Thursday, March 28, 2013

MIcky by Adam W.

I thought this story flowed organically was loaded with creativity.  I really like the perspective of an animal, and when I realized that the narrator was a bull I was surprised that nobody had branched out and tried to write from an animal's point of view.  I really enjoyed the contrast between father and son, William is created as a calm and steady leader, while Micky is aggressive and rebellious towards his father.  I thougth that this was useful to set up the ending in that it was William's reputation that saved Micky from certain death.  I also thought that Adam did a really nice job of building suspense in the scene with the two black bulls.  The thoughts going through Micky's head about his imminent doom had me burning through the words to get to the ending.  I thought the ending to this story was exceptional.
I thought the story was a little unclear about why Micky couldn't follow the herd.  I wasn't sure if it was because he liked to run around and fight (which is what it seems like Adam was going for) or if he was forced to challenge the other herds.  I just think some clarification to why he felt the need to rebel or  maybe having the argument between Micky and William precede his comments about wishing he could follow the heard would clear this up.  Maybe Adam wanted the reader to wonder why he couldn't follow the herd, but my questioning whether it was his duty to fight the other herds or not seemed to take me out of the story a bit.
This story was really great, mad props.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Days of Reckoning

I really like the intro/hook to this story, the voice of a diluted alleged criminal is strong and lacking in perspective.  I think his description of the jury's evil "slits for eyes" sounds like something that a cult member would actually say.  His desire to "save" the young boy in the front of the courtroom really fills out Mr. Boham as a fanatical nut. The courtroom scene in the beginning of the story seems believable, the language that the prosecuting attorney uses is effective and realistic, especially his constant addressing of Bonham by name.  I really like the voice of Bonham, especially how crazy he sounds in his own head.  His constant reference to David Koresh as the Lord or God or the Messiah sets up well for the contrast between Mr. Bonham and Lydia's religious beliefs that takes place at the end of the story.

One thing is that the chauvinism coming from Mr. Bonham seems to be a little bit robotic. His transition from raping his wife to demanding dinner almost comes off as cliche.  One of the things that kept bringing me out of the story was my constant questioning of the facts presented in the story, for instance, where did the ATF agents enter the Branch Dividians quarters in real life?  Wasn't the tear gas an adverse effect of the fire that burned the members alive?  I think that this could be solved by changing the name of the cult and leaving David Koresh out of the story.  The use of real names serves to pull me out of the story and bring me to the google search bar.

I really enjoy these cult stories that we're getting, maybe something is in the air.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Tutti Fucking Fruity Meryl Hall

Andrea's voice is a useful way to remain organic while setting the story. The first person thoughts of a bitchy "rager" provides irony in her perception, for instance Andrea calling shane immature after he got her birthday presents instead of drugs.  I liked to be able to laugh at the idiocracy of an unlikable main character.  

I thought that the story outline was intriguing. I like the idea of following the perspective of a "femme fatale" through her conquests, and I think that the relationship between an asshole like Andrea and what seems like a "nice guy" Shane creates a good opportunity to explore the dynamic of a girl who walks all over her boyfriend.  Even though it seems like Shane should leave Andrea, he seems to be caught in her spell.  I think that Meryl could use this to really bring more humor and plot into the story. 

I think that the story needs more in the middle to make the connections from Shane stomping away from Andrea to them arriving at the ending.  There isn't enough plot to make me believe that Shane drives and waits in an abandoned house like a puppy dog.  I think that more of the party scene after shane stomps away or maybe a phone call or some sort of other interaction besides Andrea trying to get laid needs to take place.  

I think that if you take the personality of an evil woman and really examine it this story will come together nicely.  

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Trouble the Waters' Birmingham House Show

The other night some friend's of mine that I'm fortunate enough to work with had a house show debuting their new indie rock and roll band, Trouble the Waters.  The room was lit with christmas lights strewn from the ceiling and there was a new keg, iced and tapped on the back porch.  The crowd was small, and the venue was just a living room, so it was lucky that the show turned into listening to a friend's band amongst even more friends.
The set list was written on a 10x14 inch dry erase board that hung on the wall opposite the band.  The first two songs of the set were hulk strong.  "Sleeptalker's Son" had a triumphant build up and guitar riff reminiscent of Modest Mouse's "Trailer Trash,"but at the exact point where it turns that direction the effect of the guitar changes to a beachy ukulele sound, bringing about a sense of a journey to paradise.

When I finally agreed to step outside on the porch to have a cigarette with one of my friends I walked into a conversation among a few guys who's age ranged from 21 to 46. I was surprised that contrary to ninety percent of music venues that I've been to, everyone seemed to be having a good time.  Where most punk shows contain a cast of pretentious and sober teens looking around to see who's a poser and who isn't, I only saw people looking to have a good time and talk about anything ranging from the relationship of Chris Farley and David Spade, all the way to the plight of the young, caucasian middle-class rapper.

I returned to catch the last three songs of the set and found an impressive range of variety in the track list.  The band's commitment to original music is undeniable and refreshing.  Where so many bands in birmingham have spent their time copying one trick ponies like The Unicorns, or dare I say, Mumford and Sons, this band has provided a sound of unique quality.

 My one complaint is that the show only lasted about an hour and the Cognac that the bass player's mother provided likewise met its end much too soon.  If you're in the Birmingham area on April 27th you'd be doing yourself a disservice to miss their show at Matthew's Bar and Grill.

Whitney Pugh Renewed

This story is sending chills down my back and has me perked up in my seat by the end of the first page.  Whitney's ability to portray an interview with the devil is remarkable.  Jesus, the depiction of being inducted into a cult is incredibly scary and realistic in this story.  Whitney's illustration of a weak man who is willing to conform to the ludicrous faith of a criminal that he interviewed in a jail cafeteria give me images of Silence of The Lambs meets David Koresh.  This story is extremely intriguing, and kept me glued to the document window.  The narrator describing his girlfriend as a good fit amongst book shelves is scary chauvinistic. Whitney did a great job of depicting the persuasion of a demon.

The conversation about the narrator's home life seems a little bit unbelievable, I don't see that a reporter would so willingly dive into their personal life with the leader of a cult. also the use of ellipses kind of take me out of the story, i think a hyphen might serve better, it's just really choppy.

Overall this was a really fast and enjoyable story, the majority of the dialogue and character development is really realistic.

Melissa Darce She Doesn't Deserve My Sandwich

"Welcome to Fatso's, home of the McFatty, how many you want?"  Satire oozes. Melissa's voice of a sassy and condescending girl is convincing and hilarious.
The thoughts of extorting money from her parents is so spot on that it's embarrassing.  I really enjoy the contrast between the conversation that the narrator and the "drive thru lady" have over the speaker and face to face.  Melissa did a really good job of conveying the lack of respect that someone gives a drive thru voice box.
The ending in this story is incredible.  I love the range of emotions that the boyfriend feels.  The drive home serves as a proper way to settle him down, and give him the thought of reviving the relationship.  Furthermore, the way he gets back at his friend for screwing his girlfriend is awesome.  It made me like the narrator about ten times more than the moment where he walks in, expecting to give Lisa his burger.  I wonder if he would get caught? It seems like he might stand a chance of getting away with it.
One thing I will say about the dialogue in the story is that the asian and the black lady are nearly offensively typical.  I'm cracking up at the conversations, but I can't help but imagine these characters as "cartoons."  It took me until page five to realize that the narrator in the story was a boy, the sass filled thoughts that has at the drive thru window give me an inclination that he may hate Lisa because he's gay, not just because she's a bitch.
Your story was da bomb, thank you.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Love Thy Enemy

Taylor Seibert's Love Thy Enemy tells the story of a girl who gets kidnapped and taken out to the sticks.  I thought that the story had effective language and imagery that carried it.  I remained glued to the document throughout the ten and a half pages of suspense.
I thought that the description of the yawning flames was an especially effective image.  I also thought that her descriptions of her room and the cabin were excellent and gave me a distinct idea of what the narrator was going through.  I really appreciated the description of Christoph's voice, and I thought that the comparison to Morgan Freeman was hilarious.  I don't know if this was intentional or not, but Morgan Freeman voice-jokes seem like a recent trend.
I thought that the suspense in the story could have been played up a little more.  I thought that the scene where Isabel holds the hot fire poker over Christoph's heart could have been strung out longer.  It seemed like right when the suspense was beginning to climb the fire poker is thrown into the fireplace and Isabel is walking out of the door.  Her sudden decision to leave confused me as well, I understand that she feels empowered but what has changed that makes her suddenly think that she can navigate through the woods?
I thought that this story was written really well and the language choices were perfect.  I think the story definitely delivered.